Up early unable to sleep. This wasn't the product of some overwhelming desire to engage with the wider world but rather the end of the line for a night of troubled dreams, an aching back and an asthmatic ague. Getting up was indeed a blessing. Having made a pot of tea, I sat on the sofa in the yellow room at and looked out at the inky black, starless sky. It had just gone 6.30 a.m.
Over the course of the next hour, I watched the sky succumb to an encroachment of velvet blue. Thereafter the progress of icy blues was unstoppable. Having this kind of time to oneself is invaluable. The noise of one's everyday life has such volume to it, that you rarely can hear yourself think. This morning in the quiet, I sat and heard myself think.
The last day of the present year seems like a good time to take stock on what's been done, what it all has amounted to and where it might all be leading.
There isn't any definitive conclusion to such a session. Rather, it's really a means of trying to understand the significance of the patterns and signs which form the tangled thread of one's personal and professional life, the inconsistencies which need to be separated, sorted and reconciled. One can find meaning and connections in just about anything you chose - the trick is recognising when things chime inwardly, when they make "sense" or "feel" right.
I admire those who can undertake this practice on a daily basis but I don't have the discipline. So I try and do it whenever I can and certainly don't recommend leaving it to once a year even if it is such a momentous time such as the passing from one year to another.
One product of all this pondering is to feel an alarming mixture of nervous excitement about the year ahead. Every inch of me (that's a lot of inches all told) knows that 2002 will see me moving into (for me) very uncharted and consequently, uncertain waters. Professionally, 2001 has been about making huge changes, moving out of a managerial position and into an altogether more creative environment. I had initially fancied that 2002 would be perhaps a period of consolidation. This morning, I realise that this won't be the case and what I assumed to be a culmination of affairs, was in fact, only the beginning of a series of movements, whose potential outcome and direction I don't understand and cannot predict.
The nervousness I feel is to do with the financial uncertainties which will inevitably occur and the impact that this will have upon those nearest and dearest to me. The sense of excitement I experience is that associated with any gamble - you might have your wings well and truly clipped but on the other hand, there's a chance you just might fly !
Goodbye 2001 and hello 2002