Well we got the shelf up.
Get the shelf to the wall, use a marble as a spirit level to make sure the thing is straight, mark out the spots where the screws will go, watch Debbie drill four holes in the appropriate space, heavy duty wrist action getting the screws in place and Bob, could indeed be your mother or father's brother. Nothing could be simpler right ? Wrong.
Holes drilled, shelf held up by the collective team at Victoria Avenue, the screws will clearly not hold the thing in place. As a joke I'd put some opera by Mascagni and Leoncavallo on the player to accompany our efforts. I laughed that the music would heighten the drama. Little did I know. . .
There's an assumption in many quarters that men are good at DIY. This is only equalled by the other supposition that as a gender we are all interested in sport. When I went around to the local DIY to get some advice on the erection of the shelf, the two blokey's immediately started asking me about who I thought would win the race that afternoon, whether or not the team would go up or down in the league and whether or not there'd be any chance of this country ever hosting the world cup again.
Now I've been around the block enough times to know that the way to get along in these circumstances is to answer a question with another question. Thus -
Blokey: Well, they aren't playing too well at the moment are they ?
Sid: Well. . .(eyes rolling up in my skull whilst shaking my head) what can you expect ?
Of course I haven't a clue how they are doing or even who "they" are but it's usually enough to get things moving along in a non-specific, friendly kind of way. No, where I fell foul was by walking into the shop and admitting I was there with a problem and in need of advice. Now don't get me wrong, I love DIY shops with their shiny, exotic objects and tools and the summer sweet fragrance of creosote and sawdust. I'd happily spend an age wandering up the aisles and pondering on the potential uses of all these odd looking items. Indeed some of my favourite words in the English language belong to a world which is largely alien to me. "Spokeshave" is one such word that I'm particularly fond of. But having to ask for help in a DIY shop is an admission that you are suddenly deficient in testosterone. This is confirmed when you tell them what the problem is. "Err I can't get it up."
The two blokey's looked at me in a sad, overbearing way - the kind of look you reserve for an errant child to convey regret and unhappiness. I explain the problem. "The rawlplugs keep turning in the hole." I say politely.
"Your drill was too big" said one.
"You should use a smaller drill" offered the other.
Whereas a minute ago I had been their comrade in sawdust and the joys of medium density fibreboard, indulging in sporty badinage, my admission of dysfunctional DIY acumen has converted me into a freakish pariah, a fish out of water. I am, to use the parlance, well and truly kicked into touch.
I wade through the pain barrier of their derision and throw myself at their mercy. One of them smiles.
"You need a plastic nail"
The other readily agrees. "Yes . . .plastic nails will sort you out."
Of course, I'm suspicious. In the once busy shipyards of my home town, Wallsend (so named because that was where Hadrian's Wall ended), an apprentice on his first day would be asked to go and fetch a tin of elbow grease. Another might find himself being sent to an unfamiliar shed and tell the chap behind the counter that he'd been sent for a "long stand". The chap in his dutt would tell the hapless lad to wait there and wander off, chuckling as he went. An hour or so might pass before the young apprentice realised he's just had his "long stand."
As my two blokey's talked of plastic nails I began to wonder if this wasn't also some kind of cruel trick designed to provide them with a good story for that night in the pub. But now a tube with plastic nail written on the side was proffered.
"Have you got a gun ?" said one pointing at the tube.
"No." I said.
"Then you'll need one" said the other, a big grin on his face.
Altogether the two came to a tenner. I didn't have a tenner.
"Can't I just buy some bigger rawlplugs and screws ?"
They laughed in unison. But somewhere in the deep recesses, some humanity still lurked and they took pity on me.
"Just fill the holes with some Araldite and set the rawlplugs in the hole. That should sort it out. "
Seeing my chance, I smiled and went for the door. Emerging from the woody gloom and into the sunlight, I re-entered what I took to be a less cruel world. Back home, Debbie barracked me. "Why didn't you just get some bigger rawlplugs and larger screws." "That's easy for you to say" I said.
Anyway the glue trick did work. Soundtrack wise we moved from the opera of Cavalleria Rusticana and Pagliacci to Wild Opera by No-Man. Good chunky upbeat stuff and I was particularly impressed with the use of a sample by Egg. As No-Man did their thang, we did ours and eventually it worked out right in the end. Whether by planning or some unseen supernatural force, the shelf with all its books on it is still on the wall this morning.
As everybody knows, the best part of putting a shelf up is filling it. The best part of filing a shelf with books is getting the ineffable flow from one book to another just right. Organised by subject or romantic associations or alphabetical order or the order in which things were purchased and so on. The shelf in question has five compartments so it meant that I could employ a variety sorting criteria. Lady and Gentlemen - this is the kind of fun I have on a Saturday night.
Suffice to say that I have renewed my long standing moratorium on doing small household DIY tasks. This is perfectly in line with the over-arching policy agreement not to do any large household DIY tasks.
Another beautiful day here in Whitley Bay. The sea is positively Mediterranean in hue and the sky is an endless, eternal blue. The kids are out. Debbie is in typing school reports and I'm off to cook some Chinese food.